Welcome to my Jokes Page!Bac to the Main page!

Note These jokes are mostly for mature audiences only!

1. There was a guy with 3 balls and he wanted to kind of brag about it without really bragging. So, he went to his best friend and said,"You know, between me and you we have 5 balls." His friend looked at him and said, "You poor man, you have no Balls?!"

2.There were these 3 girls who went to a hotel with their boyfriends to stay the night. In the morning they aked each other what the others did. The 1st girl siad she and her boyfriend just fell asleep. the 2nd girl just blushed . The 3rd girl said,"We found a condom ad poked a hole in it!" Then the 2nd girl fainted.

3.A cop pulls over a man he suspects of drinking and driving. The cop asks the man to perform a breathilization test. "I cant!" said th man, "I'm asthmatic and I could die if I take it!" The cop asks the man to pee in a cup. The man says that he has diabedies and weird crap is in his piss all the time. The cop just asks him to walk across the road line. "I can't!" says the man "Because I'm drunk!!!"

4.There's this guy guarding 3 holes. When asked what was in them he said,"#@%& off!" So the man went back at night and stuck his dick in the holes. The 1st one bit him and it hurt. The 2nd one shocked him and it hurt. The 3rd one was warm and comfy. The next morning he went back and asked the man what was in the holes. He said, a rattle snake, a cut cord...And my daughter.

5.What do you call a bus with 2 Gigolos on it?.........A double-dicker.

6.There were these 3 lab rats that a mad scientist taught to talk. He set them out one night on his test subject...a naked lady. One set out in her pussy, one on her boobs and one in her ass. The next morning the mad scientist made them tell him what they had discovered. The one who went to her boobs said that he felt fine and warm but his home was too wiggly. The one who went to the pussy said that he was fine until an old man came out and spat on him. And then one who went to the ass said that he too was fine except that a chocolate choo-choo train chased him away.

7.A bartender is in his bar one night at closing time when he asks the last man to leave because he's closing up but he finds the man talking to his hand. He asks the man why he is doing this and the man replies that he is a secret agent and that he has a cell-phone implanted in his hand. The secret agent leaves for the bathroom and doesn't retrun in half an hour the bartender goes in to check on him and sees toilet paper coming out of the guy's ass. "Excuse me sir, what are you doing!" asks the bartender. "Can't you see, I'm sending a fax!"

8.There is a birdy in the Sky
Who dropped some white stuff in my eye
I'm not angry
I wont cry
I'm just glad that cows don't fly

9.There were these 3 guys who heard that if you jump off the C.N. Tower and scream a word you will land in a pile of that. So the 1st guy jumped and said money, he landed in a pile of money. 2nd guy jumped off and screamed naked ladies and he landed in a pile of naked hookers. The 3rd guy started running, but tripped and fell off..."SHIT" he said and landed in a pile of horse crap.

10.There is a man who walks into a bar and screams out "MY WIFE AND I JUST HAD A BABY THAT'S 20 lbs." they all congratulate him and give him free beer. 2 weeks later he comes back and the bartender recognizes him and asks how much his baby weighs now. The man replied, 9 pounds. "What the #@!* happened!?" "We had him sircumsized!"

11.A man is finished work and while walking home he sees this kid in a little red wagon that has a string attached to his dog's balls. The man goes up to the kid and says "You know, if you attached the rope to his neck you would go faster." "I know" the kid says a bit disappointed, "But then I wouldn't have this cool siren!"

12.50 Fun Things to do in Junior High:

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and colour in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pyjamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTOR!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Sign-up Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

13.

14.Stuff that Annoys Me!

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid \\$9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

15.

16.Oops! Sorry Santa!

17.MEN AND WOMAN IN THE DESERT:

18.LITTLE JHONNY BAD ASS!:

19.(Osama Bin Laden singing) Osama lit a fire and put his left leg over a fire, he started singing Jingle Bells, when he put his right leg over the fire he sung Silent Night, when he put the fire under his balls he sung: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!"

20. There's 4 people in a room, Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, A cheap Lawyer and an Expensive lawyer. There is a \\$100 bill on the table. The lights went out, when they came back on the bill was gone, who took it? Well, there's no such things as Santa Clause, the Tooth fairy or a cheap lawyer.

21.What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!

22.Why did Milo cross the road. Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

23. A man in the middle of nowhere found a lamp, he rubbed it and a genie came out. He said he could have one wish. "I wish my dick touched the ground!" So the genie cut off his legs.